Childless by Choice

A friend of mine recently sent me this article about being childless by choice and asked whether my own experiences mirrored the author's.  That led me to this article, which felt closer to my own experiences. Not-so-coincidentally, August 1 is now known as International Child Free Day (though I learned about it after the fact).  So it's rather timely to offer my own thoughts on this concept.

First let me say that while shared experiences can and do provide validation, my experiences and reactions occasionally differ from author Zoe Zorka's.  That does not negate what she has gone through, however.  She is entitled to her own feelings and opinions, just like we all are.  Nothing I say here is intended to undermine her. 

Changing My Mind.  I have definitely had people tell me (especially when I was in my teens, 20s and 30s, prior to meeting my husband) that I would change my mind about having children once I met that "someone special".  When I started espousing the childless viewpoint in high school (it came up in religion class), the teacher failed to grasp the fact that I didn't have parenthood as a life goal.  She said, "Of course you don't want children NOW.  You would have children LATER."  I had to find a way to articulate that I didn't think I really wanted children LATER either, though I would try to keep an open mind given my young age.

Shared Goals.  Over time, my views did not change (though in fairness, I do know several people who changed their mind later on).  At that point, it was only fair that I seek a life partner who shared my views, or who was at least undecided or neutral.  In that case, we could struggle with the decision together and conclude whatever was best for us as a couple.  But I would avoid dating someone who really wanted kids because I was not wholeheartedly on board with that life goal.  Luckily both "having kids" and "wanting kids" are filtering mechanisms on match.com, which is how I met my husband.

Isolation.  The author anticipates feeling increasingly isolated as more of her friends get married and have children, using words like "alienated" and "ostracized".   I would not have chosen those words, as they describe an extreme that I have not experienced.  That said, we do live in a married-with-kids-centric society, probably more than most might realize, especially if one is part of the "dominant" familial paradigm.  Increasing isolation is not a given, but desire, effort, and flexibility are all required to stay connected. 

Family Reaction.  Perhaps it is because my parents already had grandchildren from my siblings, or maybe they grieved privately while putting up a brave front for us, but they basically had a non-reaction to learning of our decision to remain childless.  In fact, I don't even recall making a big announcement, since I had considered not having children as early as high school. Therefore, I think it was always "out there", as if it was something that was always known.  I do remember my mom once telling me that her friends were wondering if she was okay with the fact that I didn't want kids. Her reaction was perfect, essentially telling them that if I didn't want kids, I shouldn't have any.  Period.  So what?  I don't think she was actively trying to make any political statement with her answer, but it was a perfect mixture of acceptance (she realized she really had no say in the matter) and support for our decision. 

Owed an Explanation.  Even with the rising percentage of childless couples, parenthood is still the presumed goal or status in America.  So people seek an explanation, deservedly or not, for non-parenthood.  To be clear, my husband and I owe nobody an explanation for our choices.  However, in the absence of information, people are quick to assume.  And the most common assumption they make is that childless couples are "selfish and materialistic".  Nobody has hurled that insult to my face directly, but it is often implied.  I've also seen it in print - articles, blogs, etc. - many times over.  Somehow women seem to bear the brunt of the related criticism of prioritizing a career over family (but that's a topic for a whole different blog post). 

Children as a Calling.  When people think that we are prioritizing things like a nice house and travel in lieu of children, it hurts. Speaking only for myself, the choice was much more fundamental.  Frankly, I prayed long and hard about whether I wanted kids.  NOT whether I wanted kids OR travel/house.  To me it was not an either/or lifestyle choice.  Rather, the choice was simply whether I wanted kids. Yes or no.  Since I did not feel a calling for children, I felt that I shouldn't have them.  I actually feel, though it is a decidedly minority opinion, that I should not have to justify why I *don't* want children. To the contrary, given the huge stakes here, I think that prospective parents should be able to articulate why they *do* want children instead. Clearly, without children we have more disposable income to pursue other priorities in life - whether charitable, familial, or otherwise.  In our case, the income is a natural result of our decision instead of the goal.  However, I do concede that other childless couples may have had a different decision-making framework.

Why Judge? The only other time I think I actually bristle in resentment is when parents comment that childless couples can't possibly know what "real love" is without children (or some variation on that theme).  There is nothing that I can say to convince them that my husband I love as fully and deeply as them, just differently. In addition, our choice for our life does not in any way mean that we concluded that our decision was superior to theirs. Some parents seem to think that our childless decision, by extension, somehow means that we believe that parenthood is an inferior path.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  We'd simply like to leave parenthood to those who feel called to it.  I'd also like to think that if folks spent less time comparing and judging, and more time being grateful for their blessings and owning their own choices, we'd all be better off.  

What's the Big Deal?  After nearly 18 months of sharing my medical progress and setbacks, bodily functions and test results, and various other sundry changes to my life because of cancer, perhaps I'm just used to revealing details about myself.  I'm simply not quite sure why anybody feels the need to actively hide their decision to not have children. But I do realize that others strike a different balance when it comes to privacy versus transparency, so this may be a bigger deal to some folks.  Even though we've never really hid our decision to not have children, I also don't feel the need to make announcements, either.  When asked, I answer.  Over time, fewer people ask in a pointed fashion.  

Again With the Assumptions.  However, keep in mind that even in professional situations, parenthood is often assumed. People are looking for a way to bond, so they ask if you have kids (as an entry point to a shared story-telling experience).  It's not a big deal to me that the question is asked, as long as I don't receive a look of pity when I answer "no".  I know people are just trying to be sensitive to those who might be infertile (i.e., childless NOT by choice), but such a reaction presumes two things not called for except in conversations with the closest of friends or family:  (1) a presumption that there in fact must be some disappointment, given that parenthood is the dominant paradigm; and (2) an intimacy that I would reveal any disappointment about my childless state (if I actually felt any) to you, a casual acquaintance or stranger.  I'd rather the person just acknowledge my childless state without comment or pity and move on to other topics of conversation. 

Horrible?  I must say that I have never, ever had anybody tell me I'm a horrible person, or that it was my "duty" to reproduce. I've also never had anybody tell me they are praying for me to have children, when I didn't want any of my own.  I suppose if I encountered any of these extreme reactions (actually experienced by the author), I might start being a bit more circumspect about my decisions.  And I also might start viewing the issue in terms of "equal rights".  Since my adverse encounters have been far milder, I don't view the issue as rising to the level of "equal rights" on the continuum.  Striving for better understanding, acceptance, and non-judgment?  Check, check, and check!   However, nobody is denying me any rights due to my childless status, so I personally don't see the fight in those terms. 

I strive to be supportive of the life choices of my family and friends and I simply ask for others to show me the same respect.

Thanks for reading.